Dear (insert your name here),
Are you trying to kill me?
I’m beating over 100,000 times every single day to keep all systems going. I don’t want to brag or anything but without me you’d be dead, okay, okay I’ll admit the brain is helpful but it has such a huge ego – and I’m the one doing all of the work.
You try pumping 1,900 gallons (7,200 L) of blood everyday and see how you do when all you’re running on is a cup of coffee. Feed me! I need some energy.
The junk you do keep feeding me is clogging up my arteries and it’s getting really hard to pump all of that blood around all of that guck. You call it plaque I call it – 911.
Eat more beans – get over the farting thing and just eat them – they are so good for me. Hey, its better to fart than die of a heart attack. Still afraid of flatulence? Google Beano.
Barley? Hello! Love it!
Apples? One a day please! As a matter of fact any food that’s a source of soluble fibre is on my best friend list. So that goes for peas, lentils, strawberries, flaxseed, oats and oat bran. Feed me these beauties and keep my pipes clean. White fleshed fruits and veggies kick some royal plaque butt too. Pears, cucumbers, cauliflower – aces!
Say bye-bye to white bread, white pasta (unless you cook it the Italian way which means not into a soft mushy mess), and white rice and a big howdy-do to whole grains like whole grain whole wheat bread, barley, spelt, and brown rice.
Fish? Salmon may be my favourite but I love anchovies and other fatty fish – those omega-3 fatty acids make me very happy.
Please let’s stop snarfing down fast food. Would it kill you to eat some veggies? As a matter of fact it will, if you don’t. I’m not playing hard ball here, just letting you in on the facts.
I’ve sent warnings. That rise in blood pressure, the breathless feeling you get after walking up the stairs, the whole tingling thing in your left arm; but so far nothing. Don’t make me smite you.
I just don’t know how much longer I can keep doing my bit if you don’t come on board. You need to try a little harder. Who am I kidding? You need to try a lot harder. Let’s focus and make death wait!
PS – Now go take yourself for a walk.